Jesus Was An Astronaut

In August I will be walking 96 miles over 4 days to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support in memory of my sister Annie Caulfield.

As a kid I was a devoted and loyal follower of my big sister. She liked someone called David Bowie so I liked David Bowie. She was very excited by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel on Top of the Pops, I was less excited but studied the Rebels and tried to work out what it was I should find exciting.

I tried to copy Annie or repeat things that she had said, she seemed so grown up and impressive, so full of swagger and attitude. But somehow things didn’t work the same way when they came out of my mouth. I would get out of my depth with misinformation and grind to a confusing halt.

Once in Religious Education I was asked to read my essay to the class.

“Josephine, you have written a very peculiar answer to the question ‘What does Jesus mean to me?’ Would you read it to the class please?” said Sister Una.

Annie had been reading Erich Von Daniken’s Chariots of the God’s – in it the author argues that all religions are based on aliens being mistaken for Gods; basically Jesus was an astronaut and it can be proved by drawings of spaceships in ancient caves. Yeah, it’s just as nuts as most religions. Whether Annie believed this or not I can’t remember, but she had told me about it and I then put it through my own eleven-year-old Catholic filter.

 Of course as soon as I began reading my essay out loud it all started to fall apart; it somehow didn’t sound as cool and grown up as it had when Annie had said it.

I stumbled on, “some people say that Jesus was an astronaut and came down from another planet in a spaceship, but I don’t think that matters as he still died on the cross and was crucified for our sins.”

The class sat in stunned silence. They looked at me the same way we’d looked at Fatima Miraandez when she told us she wasn’t a virgin anymore because she’d fallen off a bunk bed during half term.

She enhanced and influenced my life to the point where I wonder how much of me is me and how much is Annie.

She was worth knowing.

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Hitchhiking Around Europe

When I was sixteen and my sister Annie was twenty-one, we went hitchhiking around Europe. Not Inter-railing, hitchhiking, getting in strangers cars. Two young women alone, it did occur to me that maybe it wasn’t a great idea, but Annie knew best, she was my big sister. It was only when we were jumping out of a moving lorry as it slowed down on a hairpin bend in the Swiss Alps that I thought, ‘Maybe Annie doesn’t always know best.’
We were sexually harassed across five countries, but you don’t get good stories by making sensible decisions. In France we got a lift from a handsome older man. Annie sat in the front and chatted away in French. This was what Annie wanted life to be- chatting in French to an actual French person. This was living a big life as she would say. He then drove off the main road into a wood. Then he drove further into the wood – driving young women into a wood is classic horror movie stuff, it’s Little Red Riding Hood for fucks sake, it’s clearly a bad sign. Alarm bells were banging and clanging in my head.

The road became a dirt track. I whispered to Annie that we should stop or ask him where we were going. I could tell Annie was worried, but she didn’t want to let on, she didn’t want our adventure to go wrong. He stopped the car saying this was an excellent place to camp. We watched him drive away. 

Maybe it was a good place to camp – alone in a wood, about three miles from the nearest main road, just as it was getting dark… Annie seemed to think it was fine, so I acted like it was fine. We started to put up our tent and talked about how the man had looked like Clint Eastwood. Very Handsome. I looked up and there he was, about a hundred yards away. ‘Annie he’s back, he’s coming towards us!’ 

Annie looked up at Clint Eastwood. She went forward to speak to him. They exchanged a few sentences, and then she swore at him. I stood behind her clutching a saucepan, ready to step in if the reasoning in French didn’t work. ‘Que a la main’ I picked out that phrase – did that mean just a hand job? He was gesturing and shouting as though he was complaining about bad service in a restaurant. One last Gallic shrug and he turned round and went off down the track. Annie turned to ask if I was OK, she laughed and hugged me when she saw the saucepan. How different our reactions were – maybe I have always been more of a saucepan wielding realist. It makes my heart ache to think of how young and inexperienced we were, but she looked out for me; always putting on a brave face. 

The ‘Bad Clint Eastwood’ as he was then referred to, had put some money under a windscreen wiper when he picked us up, apparently that was a sign and we should have known that he was going to take us into the woods and to get a blow-job, or some sort of job. 

We discussed the likelihood of him coming back; ‘Bad Clint Eastwood‘ knew where we were. We packed up and made the long trek down to the road. I thought every approaching car was him coming back, I was helpless with fear and laughter as my sister repeated ‘Bad Clint Eastwood, Bad Clint Eastwood ’ until the car disappeared. 

It was night and we didn’t have anything sensible like a torch so we were stumbling around in the dark not quite sure where we were. I don’t remember setting up the tents, I think were very ‘overtired’. We woke to the sound of bulldozers. Looking out of the tent in daylight it appeared that we had camped in some sort of quarry. It was very much a working quarry and we were perched on the very edge of it, on a tiny square of un-excavated land. Men in hard hats were stomping about only 20-feet away and Annie was casually doing her usual morning routine of cleaning her face with Anne French cleansing milk. 

Later in the trip we somehow ended up back in the Alps, but much higher up, we were wearing shorts and hitching by the roadside in the snow. We were freezing cold and I’d missed breakfast, so I was sure I would be dead by lunchtime. Salvation came in the form of two young Japanese men in a tiny Fiat. They showed no desire to do any raping and instead fed us biscuits and put jumpers on our legs. 

Annie approached cancer much as she had approached that trip. Too much research and knowledge might not be the way to go. I think she may have realised very early on that her chances were slim – she’d opened the ‘be fully informed door’ and shut it again. That wasn’t helpful. 

She wanted to do this well, be a person with cancer in the best way she could, her own peculiar kind of bravery. She was always brave, all her life. Because she would be scared and they are the really brave ones, the scared people, not the sporty warriors who go bungee jumping and white-water rafting. She would be scared and worried and usually unprepared but she’d just take a breath and charge ahead. I can see her small head, with short blonde hair, see her face thrust forward, grabbing life, worried but wanting to be one of the brave people. 

Being driven into the woods by a stranger at dusk…that might turn out well.



Gilded Balloon @ Rose Theatre, Edinburgh EH2 4AZ

I’m recording a STAND-UP SPECIAL for BBC Radio 4.

Just me and a microphone. No cheap gimmicks.

Tickets are FREE … get them quick before the Aberdonians here about it!

They’ll be available sometime next month. I’ll put details here nearer the time.

Tell your friends…if you have any.

Tell your enemies…you have plenty.

“Big Love. Big Laughs”

An exclusive comedy fundraising night for Royal Trinity Hospice and St George’s Hospital.

The Comedy Store, London

Monday 3rd December 2018

Sadly my good friend and fellow comic Stephen K Amos and I both lost our sisters to cancer. We have organised a benefit to raise money for the places that cared for them. St George’s Hospital Tooting and Royal Trinity House Hospice in Clapham.
We reached out and have been overwhelmed by the big names that have agreed to help us by performing for free. There truly is a comedy community.
The gig promises to be a hugely entertaining evening as well as raising loads of money for the hospice and St George’s Hospital Charity
It is particularly challenging for Hospices to raise the money they need to keep their doors open. They cannot relay the ‘positive’ messages of other, equally deserving, charities. But the service they provide, allowing people to die with dignity, without suffering and surrounded by love, is so crucial. I can’t put into words how much Royal Trinity House helped us all, giving us a place to enjoy our last days with Annie.

Featuring some of the BIGGEST names in British comedy…. Graham Norton, Jimmy Carr, John Bishop, Katherine Ryan, Omid Djalili, Nina Benjamin, Al Murray, Lenny Henry, Zoe Lyons, Seann Walsh

Hosted by Jo Caulfield and Stephen K. Amos

In memory of Annie Caulfield and Stella Keep.

Tickets: £35

Tickets go on-sale Wednesday 3rd October — via Comedy Store website.

Doors open: 6.00pm — Show starts: 7.30pm

All artists are giving of their time on a voluntary basis and the line-up is subject to change.